June 23 2025

I'm trying not to be impulsive. Who could say that I am though? Haven't I been trying? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to live in this world. The things I'm supposed to enjoy mean so little to me. The things that keep me living are so strained and scarse.

They either have no time for me,
or
They say "Why are you the way you are? I don't deserve this." and run away.
Push me away.

I'm worried about having the car next week.
I'm worried I'll want to visit you.

Is God watching me squirm
like a poisoned insect on his floor?
I would bite into more,
I would return to your door,
I would wrap my frantic, spindly little legs right back down into yours

Is my only option to become someone who I don't want to be? Kill my true self so completely just to be able to survive.
An oxymoron to keep the husk alive.
Or I'll just keep being stupid enough to try and try and get more hurt every time. Either way I'm killing myself. Either way, I'll die.
I guess I always have that. Haha.

Sometimes if you can't see or fathom any place you'd want to go,
The best thing you can do is close your eyes and just float with the flow.