June 6 2025

I'm pretending to talk to you when I write.
I don't know why it helps me.
We were always too honest with each other ahahah

I still hate and love the world.
I still feel everything.
Maybe I need a vaccuum like you to take my excess.
I'm sorry it's such hard work to learn balance.

I can feel something in my stomach churn when I think about my next event coming up. Something feels like it's going to happen but I don't know what yet. I don't want to see Rico there. I wonder if I might see you there. I just want to focus on doing the best job I can. I think you would hate him. If you were still around, you would tell me he's annoying. I guess I'm easily swayed by fancy things. You know me. Unfortunately.

Would you think it was deserved, losing Sha the way I have?
Maybe you knew all along. You thought I was stupid and I still get worried you were right. Maybe you just wanted to protect me. Maybe you were telling the truth. I'm so sick of them all. I do want to go back to the comforting sickness of you. I won't be able to...
I can feel, in reality, a distance.
You're just part of my spiral I revisit.

She never read the things I wrote. I kept the journal when I left, but Ohhh She tried? She lied. She lied. She lied. She lied. I don't care. I can't take it. I'm not sorry!!! I can't take it. Fuck it. It was all fucking fake. I'm going to have something real. Fuck you for wanting to go back. Who cares who we're writing to? I won't stop fighting for my life. Fuck you. And fuck Sha too. 20 years of bullshit. You should be glad he's gone. I hate when we cry about such useless people. He hadn't cared about you for like a dozen years lmao You're just so good at being a prosthetic heart to emotionally dead idiots. Good riddance and he'll regret it, I guaran-fuckin-tee you that. Wish him the best or whatever the fuck you wanna do but honestly fuck that guy for discarding someone that he claimed to care about who did their best to accomadate his negligence for fucking years. And fuck Rico too. Unless that lil bitch of a man apologizes, he'll be really fucking lucky that we wanna be professional and responsinble at this place we're working together at. Maybe he didn't understand us but honestly it just felt like he was foaming at the mouth looking for any reason to hate us because he wanted to prove everyone right, right? I'm just so tired of this. I'm unsure about goat boy we're talking to now too, BTW. Are you seriously gonna learn a new language? How much more desperate could you be? LMAO Life is so fucked up. Whatever. There's stupider things being done than this. Enjoy it Ha Ha Ha.